It came upon a midnight clear; That glorious sound of hooves; Nine overfed, nearsighted reindeer; Prancing upon our roofs.
Hurry up guys! Cookies and Milk Awaits!
I raised the window and stuck out my head; To see what all the commotion was about; The leader of the pack had a nose of red; And blind as a bat no doubt.
For he halted abruptly upon the peak; And turned his head from left to right; I guess he thought he was out on the street; And gave the bearded gent quite a fright.
I heard him fart and immediately felt; A wet lump of residue in my eye; And heard old Santa lash out his belt; "Why didn't you go before we left!" He cried.
Aw Gee Santa, Shit Happens Ya Know!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixon; Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen; Laughed theirselves silly at Rudolph's mishap; I myself didn't find it so amusing; As I wiped away dung with my nightcap.
Oh man! What a Doofus! No Class Man, No Class I Tell Ya!
I quickly hid behind the settee; As I heard the jolly old elf make his way; Down my fireplace and landing on his knees; "The fire!" I gasped, was at bey.
Ah Nuts! Did It Again Dammit!
But it was too late to stop Santa's smoldering fate; As I heard him land with a thump; And all the blasphemy I heard that night; Was caused by his fiery rump
Oooh, Hot Pants! Hot Pants! This Gives A Whole New Meaning to Great Balls Afire!
"Damn, these people knew I was coming!" Why didn't they put out this fire? Now look at me! My suit is ruined! I think I might as well retire."
OK, You Inconsiderate Maggots - Here's Your Freakin' Gifts!
So after his initial complaining and whining; He started to fill all the stockings at hand; Then paused when he saw the cookies for dining; And sat to partake as man.
He belched and moaned as I do after a good meal Patting his belly and giving it a good feel; Reluctantly he got up and heaved a heavy sigh; "I wish just once -- they'd leave apple pie."
He finished his work and left the rest of the gifts; And to his team gave a whistle for his departing lift; I watched as he squeezed up the narrow black hole; His red velvet suit was all tarnished with coal.
Well, Whadda Ya Know! I Actually Made It For Once Without The Team Throwing Me a Rope And Hoisting My Big Butt Outta Here!
I ran to the window to watch them depart; And heard Santa exclaim, "Hurry! Back to K-Mart! I'm out of presents, there's nothing left in the cart!" And the one last sound -- was Rudolph's loud fart.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL -- AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!