Ah! Tis The Irish That Know What I'm Talking About!
She's Looking Better Every Beer
93 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...
Beer - The Breakfast of Champions
No, I don't drink. I lap. (Only joking)
Quips on drinking by famous and credible people who know:
"A woman drove me to drink and I forgot to thank her." W. C. Fields
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." Ernest Hemingway. (This is one of my mom's favorites.)
"Beer: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 300 B.C.!!! Unknown Author (Ain't it the truth though.)
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my l liver.' Jack Handy. (I agree.)
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henry Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
"Remember, 'I' before 'E', except in Budweiser
Cliff Clavin's theory:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fas as the slowest brain cells, Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.......that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
And, for the teetotalers out there, I ask that you remember your history. If you don't remember your history, then you must read up on it. The Egyptians invented beer and built great pyramids, our forefathers spent more time brewing and nurturing it than anything else they did for they couldn't imagine existing without it, e.g., when George Washington commandeered the Continental Army he made it mandatory that every man in his troops would have a quart of beer along with his rations, and yet they managed to not only build this great country of ours, but run it with the precision of a fine timepiece, hence Cliff Clavin of Cheers was right, it does make you smarter and more productive, so don't knock it if you haven't tried it. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. P.S. A bit of trivia: a recipe written on a tablet found in Mesopotamia, estimated at 4,000 years old, was for..................beer.
ON WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL
One Word Can Have Several Meanings
In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs. 2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent. 6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp. 8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. 11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam. 12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.