When I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm better.
A hard man...is good to find.
It's not the men in my life that counts — it's the life in my men.
I go for two kinds of men. The kind with muscles, and the kind without.
So many men....so little time.
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
His mother should've thrown him away and kept the stork
She Collected Men
Everything I do Is Either Illegal, Immoral or Fattening
ON WOMEN AND MARRIAGE
A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
No doubt that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for ther night, she can still survive.
Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.
Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one -- and exceptionally well-preserved too.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded: "Yes, if ever other form of persuasion fails."
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.
I was married once -- in San Francisco., I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
Question: Do married peole live longer? Fields: No, it just seems longer.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unabe to hold all of it.
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.